This is going to be graphic - consider this your disclaimer.
It all started with trip to Taco Bell, I know your probably thinking that this is to be expected when eating at a place like this. However, this was never an issue for me before so why now - it's because I'm getting old and my intestines are my intestines! Ahh I could just could see it now, me wearing depends when I'm 60 - GROSS.
I ordered the most basic item from the menu - taco supreme, ok, 3 of them. Came home and scarfed them down, I was starving.
About 40 minutes later some minor cramping started to kick in I figured it was the mystery meat working its way down the poop shoot so I just dealt it with it. The cramping started to turn into constipation like cramps and I felt bloated. It was disgusting. I looked like I was 4 months pregnant - a food baby inside. So I did what anyone else would do when they're in that situation - I started working out so that I wouldn't feel like a fat ass. This is when things took a turn for the worst. The cramping became more intense and there wasn't anything that I could do about it because I felt constipated. I wish it was possible to relieve yourself of constipation the same you make yourself through up - stick your finger in your ass and have it all over with. Why can't things just be simple! After working out and feeling like shit and having to crap, I laid out like a beached whale waiting and waiting for "IT" to be ready. Nothing happened. I just got tired and fell asleep while watching World Poker Tour, last hand I saw before dozing off, 2 guys going heads up and they each had a boat! Normally something like would've kept me watching but I felt awful. Then a sudden sharp pain from the center of my stomach woke me up. This wasn't your average I gotta drop a deuce pain, this pain was awful! My stomach actually started to spasm. I was scared because this wasn't normal. So I started to troubleshoot my symptoms... Is it my gallbladder? Have my intestines twisted when I was working out? I ran to the bathroom hoping that something would happen - Nothing happened. It was like my asshole was dry heaving - It was painful!! What the fuck was going on? I didn't get it. I was sitting there trying not to think of having to go, so that I could go, I felt mentally ill. Here I am on the toilet bowl trying to trick my poo into coming out. I've never been constipated so this had to be what stage fright is for pooing right? I gave up, pulled up my pants and headed upstairs to bed.
I don't know what time it was all I know is that I've never had a pain like this before - it was weird. That same painful cramp with the spasms returned, this time it was stronger and unbearable. The pain literally had me curled into a fetal position and scared shitless. When the pain let up a little I ran over to the restroom and thought: "oh shit, this is it!"
I sat down, and started to get really dizzy and hot at the same time. There was nausea now and I thought "NOOOO!" What am I gonna do? How am I gonna puke and shit at the same time - that concern lasted for about a half of a second. Being in pain overpowered any concern that went through my head. My mouth was starting to become dry, then I started salivating, I could feel the chunks of mystery meat rise up in throat. I refused to puke - so I swallowed it. Still dizzy, still in pain, I hung on to the walls, clinched my fists and waited for it - nothing still! I actually started to cry, I couldn't take the pain and the nausea anymore. My temperature felt like it was rising by the second, the walls started closing in. All I wanted was a cold cold washcloth on my face - I started to see black. So I opened the door and started crawling out my restroom, bare-assed and all - I needed help. I tried to find my phone to call 9-1-1, because this couldn't be normal. Then D, my husband, finally woke up. (this fucker can sleep through anything) There he was standing in his boxers, with his eyes and mouth open wide and said: "what fuck is going on!? are you ok!? hello!? G!" Apparently, I had passed out. I remember being in pain and I gestured for him to shut up because I couldn't talk. Then I was able to get the words "water" out. He bolted downstairs to get me a glass. When really I just needed a cold washcloth on my face. I felt like dying. Lassie would've been more help. He brought me a huge bowl to puke in and small glass of water. I grabbed both from him and when he helped me up, "IT" was ready. I headed straight for the toilet - this time with my bowl in hand!
I actually called on to the lord and asked him to take this pain away and let me shit already!!!!
As soon as the words amen rolled off my tongue, my crap ripped through my asshole like a scene from the movie Dumb and Dumber, it was loud like a mountain lion escaping my ass. But at the same time it was glorious, I started to hear angels sing. Then I started to blow chunks of vomit into the bowl and I couldn't be any happier. The chunks were so forceful that when they hit the bowl, they started to splash back into my face. It was disgusting. The smells made me more sick, it was a vicious cycle of being nauseated from the smells and getting sick. There I was on the toilet bowl, like a freak of nature and getting sick from both ends. Then it just stopped, I felt human again. I felt better, it was over. I went to wash my hands and face, then looked up and saw why my husband looked so scared. I was pale, but green in the gils. I had sweat all over, I literally soaked through my shirt. All because I can't eat foods from places like Taco Bell anymore. I'm old. I have to start taking better care of myself and changing my diet. Talk about a rude awakening.
p.s. my asshole stings today :(
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