Right now in my life I feel like I've come at a point where I need to start doing things for me, regardless of what my other half thinks or believes. I've been going back and forth with this a lot these past few months, and I find myself asking "is this what a mid-life crisis is? Am I even old enough to have one!"
I really don't want to know the answer to that, nor, do I give a rats ass. I just know that it's time for me reconnect with my old self, the one that's been going away like a disappearing act, that's been going on for 14 years.
I'm not saying that I don't love my husband, or that I have a bunch of regrets. It's just that when you are with someone since childhood, its only natural for you to start sharing some of the same characteristics, habits, likes and dislikes. I look back now and I remember going through a period of doing the opposite of whatever my husband did or liked - I'm such a psycho. But, you see I was trying to be me, but going about it the wrong way. Some of the wants and things that I've always wanted to do were also put on hold because of how he felt about it, or because there wasn't any time. I chose to live an adult life at a young age, and boy has it been a tough journey.
I attended High School, but didn't have the "high school experience." My high school days consisted of me getting up at 4:30am on school days. Feeding my daughter, getting her ready, putting her to sleep so that I can get ready, then walking to the nearest bus station with more than just a backpack and a baby. It was more like: backpack-check, food-check,diapers-check, extra change of clothes-check, a blanket in case it gets too cold-check, stroller-check, oh ya the baby! Then I'd walk, wait, then get bussed to school, same routine followed after school. My easy days were when my cousin would be able to pick me up and take me, or when my husband was able to cut out of class early to pick me up from my high school - those days were the best! I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I'm just trying to paint a picture of how busy I was, or am. There was never a moment where I didnt feel like I should be doing something - I had to be productive. I didn't want to fail my daughter and that's all that kept me going and pushing to be a better person. That combined with trying to please my husband and make things work, it could become very easy to get lost and loose track of who you are.
All I'm saying is that if I feel like taking Salsa Classes (which I do) then I will and I'll do it alone- the ad read no partners needed COOL! Something I could do for me. I love Salsa! I always have. I was that weird child that would get up and start dancing at the intro music to Solid Gold, or when watching Fame! (p.s. I cant wait til the remake comes out)
And, I've always and I mean always wanted a tattoo, I don't know why but I just do. I even tried to make my own, on my now wedding finger - of a star. It's lame but I tried. Just today I've sent over a request for a quote on the tattoo that I've wanted. There are so many things that I've wanted to do that determined to get done - -I may even go to that damn twi-con convention, road trip anyone? Oh wait screw that it's in Vancouver, plane trip anyone?
So whether you're young or old and in a similar situation, my message to you is not lose focus of who you are. Get out there and do what YOU want, screw what other people may think. Just don't make a fool out of yourself while doing it.
~G
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